10 years ago was the last Father’s Day I spent with my father. Then, I had no idea that that would be the case. I’ve spent some time with the feeling of “If I had known” and deemed it unnecessary of further thought. However, just know that you may never know when it will be your last Father’s Day with your father. So please, make it a good one if you can.
Much of the last 10 years, I’ve spent being a grinch about this holiday. Limiting my time being a consumer to avoid the Father’s Day displays. Trying to avoid as much as I can only to be reminded in advertisements that it is coming up. Hating every reminder that there is about this day. There’s something polarizing to the anniversary of his death in which not nearly as many people know about so there’s less build-up in constant reminders and more a sense of a lonely, quiet day to get through. This is quite the opposite. There’s no forgetting this day, capitalism won’t let me. I can’t take it off of my google calendar unless I de-integrate the holiday calendar altogether. It’s a holiday where the nation is celebrating and I’m trying my best not to hate it all.
Unlike the Grinch, I’m not going to steal anyone’s Father’s Day, though sometimes I feel like doing it emotionally. There’s a part of me that has always wanted to lash out at all the nice Father’s Day posts, harboring a hatred for their celebration, a jealousy that they get to actually celebrate with their fathers. I’ve always refrained from doing so outwardly. I know people deserve to be happy and enjoy the time that they have with their fathers.
Perhaps someday I will look on this day with less of an intimidation. Perhaps I will take it less personally. Maybe I could reframe it into being just a holiday I don’t celebrate, like the many religious holidays that I do not partake in. I’m really hoping for that to come. For me to find a peace with this that I have yet to gain. So, I’m going to try. This year I’m going to try not being so internally wretched and wrecked over this holiday and have it be just another Sunday. Let those who have fathers celebrate, and maybe even reach out to those who I know are fathers to others and wish them a Happy Father’s Day, though that may be a stretch for me today.
I’ve been going through my hoard of sentimental items. Boxes that are filled with stuff that I have deemed of value over the years. I’ve found unsent Mother’s Day cards. One of which is for this year that I never gave to my mother. Reflecting on this day I realize maybe I’ve never sent these because I never know when it will be my last Mother’s Day with my mom, and feeling like it has to be the perfect card or the perfect day and just sending a card isn’t going to do that. I hold back from a lot of things because I want them to be perfect. However, not sending anything to my mother is definitely more regretful than sending her a card. I know she would appreciate any card I send her for Mother’s Day, so today I’m putting them all in envelopes and sending them to her. So Mom, I know you read these, expect some cards in the mail that are a bit belated, but worth sharing now.
I hope you all have a wonderful Father’s Day. I truly hope that if you are able, you will spend some quality time with a parent today, of all kinds. It could even be a parental figure you look up to a whole lot. Now, I’m going to finish watching The Grinch and going through all the socks I own (how did I accumulate so many socks??) and probably start some laundry. Please feel free to reach out if you so choose, it always helps to know you are supported and loved.
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