Me Too

Lately, I’ve been feeling really good. The most content I have ever been in my life. Part of that is my new job situation (more on that later) and part of it is that I’ve been in therapy and working on new skills that are more specific to me (also more on that later, wow I need to update y’all on some things!).

Physically, I’ve been working hard in the gym. My head fog that I never noticed I had until it was gone, is gone. My brain is quieter. Mentally, I have far less suicidal thoughts. I’m honestly doing really well.

So, it was a big shock to me to suddenly get triggered at a coffee shop that I walked to on a Sunday morning to have a nice coffee date/write with myself. Getting here early has the perk of getting to sit pretty much wherever you want and watching as people come and go. Well, as I looked up at someone walking into the coffee shop, I was struck with the resemblance. And then the intrusive thoughts came in, bits and pieces of memories started flooding my mind. As he came in and stood in line to order his coffee, I was in the corner battling my mind and my physical body to stay grounded. I looked again and his piercing blue eyes were uncanny to the ones I came to dread. I know it isn’t the same guy, and yet, I feel unsafe. Silently begging him to get his coffee and leave as quickly as possible.

This ordeal was humbling. Humbling in how vulnerable I still can be. How affected I still can be. It’s been years since that event. Humbling to know I am not free from this. Humbling on how relieved I am to see a random guy leave with his coffee.

Another thought that came was a reassurance. It surprised me, I didn’t expect me to reassure myself that I wasn’t the same person as I was then. And then I was faced with a big question that has been something I have been wrestling with in my identity journey. How much of changing myself is because of what I went through that night? How much is it from internalized blame of the event? How much of it is so that I can reassure myself that I am different. I look different, maybe I won’t be attractive to them anymore. Maybe I won’t lead them on, or look like I want it.

Now, I have been to a therapist who is specialized in helping with identity and we have talked about this, and her professional opinion is that my body and my identity would still be incongruent despite of this event. Though, I am sure it doesn’t help that I went through that. I mean, it is never EVER helpful to go through that.

This happened in 2011, and I remember and have relived a lot of it since then. I tried avoiding the thoughts of it, only to be reminded at every sexual assault/harassment training I’ve had to go through. In some cases it is mandatory (in military training) to relive the event, to see where people could have intervened, to feel it happening all over again in video form. I haven’t been through that training in awhile, and maybe that also is why I was caught off guard with the thoughts today.

I hope it will continue to lessen its impact. I know that today I handled it better than I would have in the past. I would still be spiraling, reeling from it, and thankfully, I am calmed again. I am fortunate to have the skills that I do, and to have not had to relive it in awhile.

I’ve still held this story inside for a long time. Holding it inside in a box that I refuse to open, and yet it is like a black hole in that it holds gravity, and everything kind of spirals around it. One of the many vying for attention in my world. And much like a black hole, you can tell its continued existence by the motion of other celestial bodies around it.

Thank you for reading. Thank you to all of those who have said Me Too. I’ve been scared to post this, and yet I posted about it without the scariest part of it. Perhaps it’ll be a step closer to the issue, and thus it will be that much less scary to talk about.

Much love!